I haven't been this angry with my parents for a long long time. They are both pissed because I am still friends with Steven. They think he is evil. They think he was using me. They think what he did, he did out of vindictiveness.
Yeah, I was devastated. Yeah, I wanted to train a raven to pluck out both his... eyes. But that part's over now. Now, I am glad we're friends. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me. Yeah, I still love him, but I just want him to be happy. And if he needs to rub his face in someone else's tits to be happy, than that is it. It's not like there is anything I can do about that anyway.
The thing that really really gets to me, though, is that they don't even want me to associate with him anymore. They should be glad that I was with someone who wants to associate with me after we stop dating. Someone who still likes talking to me. How can that be bad? Just because we lived together, they think he is just trying to use me, to... I don't know what. It's stupid. I would rather be friends with him than be without him completely. I don't think they will ever understand why. He is one of the four people in the universe that I can be completely myself around. THat i don't put on a face for. That I can relax with. And that is more important to me than a romantic relationship. There are other boys. There will be other boys. There have been other boys. Do I think we could have been happily married? Yeah. But I am not harping on that. I don't want to be with someone who is only half in love with me. I deserve better. Does that mean a person I like, get along well with, enjoy similar things, and shared a big chunk of my life with needs to be shoved out of the car just because he broke up with me? Can't he just move to the back seat?

A part of me thinks he's only mad because he is still thinking that my virginity is my biggest asset.

Well, I say fuck it. I just want someone to watch Battlestar Galactica with.

My sister called the other day to see what I wanted for graduation, to which I deftly replied, "A job." She suggested Manga Studio. A cartooning program. I don't know anything about it, but I thought some of you might. It looks just like a mod for Photoshop (literally, it looks exactly like photoshop) and if I got it, I would also want to buy a drawing pad. (But I don't have an extra $200).
So, I guess I am wondering if it's worth it. If anyone who reads this even knows.
Also, Graduating in 3 weeks! Scary. I won't be in school for the first time since I remember. AND I have a bunch of money I need to give back to those evil, evil banks who are making me poorer than ever now. (which honestly isn't fair. Banks shouldn't give loans to students who are seeking an art degree. They should be priority for scholarships because we're the least likely to be employed after school.)
Ah well,
c'est la vie.

I was looking at an article about TOMS shoes yesterday. For every pair of shoes you buy, TOMS donates one to a needy child. Pretty unique company. It was discussing the possibility of them becoming popular like Uggs and Keens. I thought about it, and it would be no problem if a celebrity picked up a pair, wore them around LA for a while, and people would clamor for them. And then how many children would get a pair of shoes?
If every company used their leftover profits to donate or make their product for charity purposes, how much need in the world would there really be? If Safeway used their profits only to pay employees and restock, how much food could they donate? If a McMansion company used their excess profit for Habitat for Humanity, how many people would really be homeless right now? How much money exactly is being spent in excess?
I read an article months ago about the recession making being thrifty popular, and even "cool" in RichLand. They talked about not spending $10,000 on watches anymore, but you could get a decent (yes they used that word) one for $2000 or something like that. $2000 a cheap watch??? Mine cost just under $20 and it's been working for a long time. Why do people think they need $2000 watches with diamonds in the face?
I guess my real question is WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THAT THEY CANNOT ACCEPT ENOUGH? WHY DO THEY WANT MORE?
With all that is happening in the world now, why is it so hard to give things up? Globalization means alot of things, but I think it also means we have to stop thinking about wealth and poverty in the context of borders. One country's problem is our own.

Also, I think I was driving to work today behind a drunk lady. She kept driving in the bike lane even though the road we were on has HUGE lanes. She also stopped at the green light, going straight by the way, and waited for me to turn left before she went. I mean, really, WTF?

Fuck this fucking website.
I just wrote a page-long rant about how much I hate my chauvinist, womanizing, splif smoking, pothead roommates and how they won't do a goddamn thing around the house (which they are slowly destroying with splif smoke, ninja stars, dirty feet, dirty fucking chauvinist friends, and their weed business) and How i don't know what to do about it anymore because (the chauvinist thing should be obvious) they don't listen to me when I ask them to do stuff and I am now at a point where I will either yell the fuck out of them (which you all know I am overly qualified for) or hiding all my kitchen shit (IE everything but 6 plates and 5 bowls and maybe a fork or two) along with the key to the door.
I need help, what the hell do I do about these advantage-taking assholes?
Maybe I will look for apartments...

So I woke up Thursday to a sick, refusing to eat, wrinkly lizard. It was clear he had not eaten in days. I thought, "I will put bugsies in his tank, he will madly run after them and soon become fat again." But he didn't. And he didn't Friday morning either. I called my Momma. She told me to call the vet. I called the vet, they said, "this sounds like an emergency. Get him to someone right away! We don't have room for him!" So, after a frantic morning of calling local vets (there is ONE, i'm serious, ONE exotic vet in Olympia) and then calling non-local vets, and then calling non-local emergency vets (who don't have anyone who's specialized in exotics) I called them back, whined and got an immidiate appointment. Then I find out hes SEVERLY dehydrated, has a bone disease from not getting enough calcium, has liver failure, and that I have not been feeding him properly for, well, basically his entire life.
Awesome hearing you've been killing your pet for it's entire lifespan. It's not really my fault, I was ignorant. But I know that ignorance is a poor excuse.
So, he's slowly dying, but they were able to make him comfortable enough. I just have to baby him, till he goes.
It's lame, but it is a part of life.

I hate alarm clocks that are stupidly weird. The dot is supposed to light up at morning time, not the other stupid way around.
I set Steven's alarm to 7:45 at night instead of 7:45 am, so I didn't wake up till 8:30. When my bus leaves. For work. Awesome. So I had to drive. Luckily, I live in the Pacific Northwest, where the weather is wildly unpredictable, especially it seems in Olympia, because it snowed last night and I had to spend 20 minutes getting snow off my windshield. Sweet.
My office is freezing, and only one person can run the heater at a time, but I got it because I asked first. haha!
AND I HAVE THE WEEKEND OFF!!! FINALLy! After months and months of working over the weekend or going to class, I HAVE 2 DAYS OFF IN A ROW!!!!
GO me!
For some reason, I thought it would be a great idea to make a comic for my final project. Nothing big, just a 5 page mini. It's due in a week. HAHAHAHAHHAHA! a week... like i can get that done...
I interviewed patti for it, and I found out a rather disturbing cop story- while she was at the WTO protests, peacefully standing on the sidewalk holding hands with Nora, a policeman came up behind her and was about to beat her (from behind, without saying anything, or giving any warning at all) with a 3 foot club. The only reason she escaped is because Nora saw him and told her to run. WTF??? Its shit like that that makes me want to be an anarchist.
It is no wonder that rappers talk about fucking over the police all the time. Shit.
That has me really messed up, I think. Last night I went home early to work on my comic, and I ended up in bed till 10 with a headache that made me nauseous. I think it was either A) the black mold growing in the stairwell next to my office, B) stress, or C) an actual illness (only because I still have a headache today). So I wasted a whole evening and skipped class. Awesome.

Not having a great week. Hopefully its over soon. (I have to go get my emmissons tested, go to the dentist, and try to get contacts before its over.)

Frustration to the extreme. Trying to do my taxes, and somehow I owe them $14!!! What the fuck? I didn't even make $8,000 last year. Fuck you, government, I can't even buy FOOD.
Also getting pissed at my class. It's full of white people talking about how we need to talk about racism. Except that's it. That's all they talk about. They don't talk about racism, just how we need to talk about it. I am really beginning to hate them. Race is all that is talked about, but it's so superficial that it's just a waste of time. They don't even talk about other white people problems. Like being racist. Or problems that have nothing to do with that at all.

God, I really don't care what they think about it all. I just want to learn about shit I have never heard of before. Like why music is important to the Black Panthers and how that helped to create Hip-Hop. Like Malcom X. Like... Stuff. I don't know. I know that 2/3 of black men will go to jail. I know that the music industry and the movie industry are racist. I know cops beat up black men for no reason, I know  that the Black Panthers were militant. I know about the Harlem Renaissance. I don't know how to make this stuff stop or change or get better. I don't know what was swept under the rug. I don't know how I am helping racism along. I want to know. I want to change. Why does no one get that they are not being constructive- they are just supporting each other's one phrase "we need to talk about racism.'"

I swear the hippies are worse than the hardcore gay-hating republicans that really really thought we were helping the slaves. (Say it in a cutesy voice- its funnier) The hippies don't have any idea that they are wrong. They don't believe that they could be wrong, so they don't listen to anyone. Nobody recycles enough, saves enough energy, buys organically enough, eats enough whole grain, is vegan enough, is wearing enough free trade clothes, gardens enough, or is sustainable enough. Of course, 3 years ago they were mostly all at the gap shopping with their friends for the cutest new mini skirt. You wouldn't think it, but you can really tell who is truly a hippie and who is doing it because they saw someone on MTV do it first.

Sorry for the rant. I am getting really pissed about everything. I am going through the classic winter dulldrums. I hate everyone, I am overworked and tired, and my class is really incredibly depressing. It makes me want to go to mcdonald's and eat fifty hamburgers just because I am American and I can.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/01/22/guantanamo.order/index.html

The closing of Guantanamo Bay! The symbolic end to torture by the US. Fuck that shit.\

Also:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2009/01/21/nr.sanchez.slater.limbaugh.cnn

(you only have to watch the first few seconds. "I hope he fails" What kind of attitude is that? I never even said that about Bush and I thought he was the stupidest choice for president ever. "I hope he fails." You're an asshole Limbaugh. If Obama fails, America fails, stupid. Ugh, Goblok!

Huzzah! Yesterday morning we got a new president. I was not sure it was even going to happen, I half thought that Bush would declare a state of emergency and hold the presidency longer, but I think that people have been too pissed at him for that to work.  Finally, its over. I feel like i just got out of a bad trip or something.  Maybe now everything will be normal?
Speaking of trips, Steven, Will and I want to go to wine country over spring break. Roadtrip! Hooray! I like Will, he reminds me of Stevie. I can talk philosophy to him and maybe exchange ideas. Its a solution to the French coffee house.
Not much else to say, just bored. I have class in a few hours but I am stuck at work till five, so no break for Therese. I want to go home and crawl into bed with steven and watch a movie, like when I was a kid and sick. I want to be warm and comfortable and happy with a snack. Ugh, too bad. I won't even be home till nine and then I will have to work all Thursday and then again Friday night. Then I have to drag my ass out of bed and go to school all day Saturday. And the week started out so well with four and almost five days OFF. It's all crap.
Evergreen is really going to the dogs, actually. They are offering less junior/senior classes than ever and there are about 4 art classes to take that aren't freshman oriented. The kicker? They are cutting the offerings for next year by 25% for EVERYTHING. Evergreen is becoming a "normal" school, which it isn't very good at. In fact, it sucks. I am sad I am here now, at the end of everything truly Evergreen. When I have to write my own advanced classes just to learn techniques, when I have to put up with learning things I already have just because there are no classes that offer anything new in my field. Art here should be prolific and easy to present to the public. Instead, they are painting over all the murals that are already there and limiting the hours of the gallery. It's messed up. I suppose I should get used to this though, it's not like I will have a job after I graduate anyway.

I've been trying to practice my signing, but there is not much you can say with "large", "pretty", "tall", "short", "you" (singular and plural), "me", "us", "them" and "angry".
Except repeatedly telling people they are pretty and I am angry. (which I am not. Although I can also say happy).
I think this class is a little slow for me right now, just because these are all things I am fairly familiar with. And they are also no-brainers (I learned dumb, too). What you think the sign for tall is, it's probably correct.
I want to learn sentences, but I don't think thats for a while. I want to be able to say "I am beginning to learn sign language."
All in all, though, I am really liking it. The visual nature of the signs is extremely easy for me to follow, and I am picking up on the language pretty rapidly. (I mean, how could I not? Its SO EASY right now.)
The only problem is my hands aren't quite flexible enough yet. Hopefully that will change.

My other class, I got into unexpectedly. And I hope I don't regret it. The morning lecture was great, informative, interesting, engaging, and it tied together all my learning at Evergreen, and even some I learned at Bellarmine. The afternoon was a socialist propaganda show. The faculty had a student oriented Theater workshop, and it was so totally awful. My group got taken over by a socialist revolutionary wannabe vigilante who crapped on reform and put down anything Elise or I said. She pissed me off. The most disappointing part was that Elise said the other day she was really nice.
The problem with revolutionary socialists is the same problem I had with capitalists at Bellarmine (and consequently, the metal kids I sometimes hang with)- they are all fucking closed-minded, selfish, and individualistic. The real problem with the socialists is they don't think they think like that. In fact, if you told them they think like that, they'd be so offended they'd call you a capitalist bastard and probably beat you up. (Unless they think they are pacifists). 
I don't understand. How can anyone think they know anything? I mean, I KNOW i will always have more to learn, I KNOW i can never really understand another culture, even if I go live in it for years. I can have an understanding of it, but there is some inherent understanding (god I've used that word alot) that you get when you're growing up in a culture. I know that I will never know the world from another person's eyes, I know that I will probably never know EVERYTHING about a subject, even if I become an expert. Here's the rub: I know that I know nothing. They think they know everything.
It's like teenagers. Teenagers (even me) think they know exactly how the world works. They think they've got a grasp on everything. Then they grow up and realise how stupid they were. Or I hoped they would.

I have just had the longest week ever. Seriously, I got home from school last night and passed out. It was sometime between 8 and 9. School's a bitch. I got into the class I was vying for, but now I am afraid that it is a socialist propaganda class. The lectures were good, and got me all psyched up, but then we had a student run theater workshop and it was like watching Russian TV (sorry for that remark, it is meant to be funny, and I know all it implies. I could have said Chinese TV or Stalin TV) I have never wanted Starbuck's, McDonalds, and TV more in my life.
I found out I got into that class Friday night (or Saturday morning) and 1 am. Class started at 9 that morning. It was lame. I considered not taking the class. But I went. So that, along with the two 13 hour days I put in this week, the 3 classes I attended, and also getting back to work after 3 weeks of just being incredibly lazy and irresponsible, wiped me the hell out. Which is why I passed out.
Today is my only day off till at least Friday, more likely though, Saturday. This my new life. I think I've moved to hell.

Been following the news of Oscar Grant's death and the subsequent riots. I suppose I was interested because I lived in Oakland for a while. I know what its like down there. Ghetto butting up with nice white neighborhoods- but not meshing, and the money isn't flowing to the needy, either. Poor black kids starving and homeless while rich white assholes go to art school and spend all their money on coke and heroin just so they can party every weekend.
I can't believe how fucked up we are.  The fact that the perpetrator (IE the cop) hasn't even been interviewed yet is the really disturbing part. The poor guy was handcuffed, pleading, begging, telling them about his baby daughter, and they shot him in the back. The real trick is that he didn't even imagine he was going to be shot, he thought the cops were going to taze him. Just tazed. This is why I don't think we should be worried about other countries (*coughcouch* Iraq).The atrociousness of what some people are doing to women over there is just as awful as the racism we have here. How are we supposed to give them democracy when we don't even have it ourselves? Sure we can vote, but that's proven ineffective in the past (Bush *coughcough* I must have a cold). They said we had a democracy when women couldn't vote, when black people couldn't vote, when the IRISH couldn't vote. (If it was two hundred years ago, I would be "black", and so would most of you. If it hadden't been for the civil war, we probably would STILL be "black".)
Racism has been plastered over- we're all PC now and nobody calls black people "negro" trying to be nice anymore (I'm not saying the word is not used, its just not used by people who are, let's say, aware), but I think that is part of the problem. There is no real dialogue about racism anymore. Most (white) people in the Northwest don't think it exists here, or don't think it's as bad as it is.
The fact is this: Racism is here, it's still unacceptable, it's still bad, and cops still kill black men for no goddamn reason and get away with it.
Watch the vid (if you dare, its disturbing, I won't lie) to see how unnecessary the shooting was. Maybe then my anger will make sense. Maybe you'll get angry, too. Maybe something will change.
www.youtube.com/watch

And if you get angry enough:
www.racewire.org/archives/2009/01/5_things_you_can_do_right_now_1.html

Yesterday was a little crap. (I love that. Using it as a noun instead of an adjective... Heather used to do it all the time and it cracked me up for some reason.)
I went to my signing class, which was pretty cool. My teacher is really funny, nice, and low-key. She is a pretty cool lady, she reminds me of someone's awesome aunt. I am really entranced with the fact that she can move her hands so beautifully and it's communicating. Its beautiful. Maybe the next time I go home I can say something to Anna.
Then I went to my other class. And there's a blonde suburban witch teaching it. (actually, she wasn't so bad, she just reminded me of the girls I went to HS with. There was this group of boys from her last class that were acting up. She told them she was going to separate them (thank you, I didn't know I was still a 16 year old and NOT IN COLLEGE) and then was joking with them a half second later. Like they respect her at all...) She also said that we'd have to work like 30 hours a week outside of class to get 12 credits. Like that's worth it. Thats more than much you should work for a 16 credit class. (Work study students can legally only work 19 hours a week, which means the other 21 should be full time school work.) So that was pretty lame, but I am trying to get out of that class. I find out tonight!
The good thing is that in either class I will have a friend. Elise is in the one I want to get into, and Bibe is in the one with Ms Blonde.
I am getting super frustrated because evergreen doesn't offer any higher level art classes. Poop on them. I hate the new dean.

I always have the intent to write profound and awakening things in here, but it just always turns to bitching. I think this is a good thing actually, because it often saves me from bitching at Steven or Ben or Christian or calling poor sarahbear and bitching at her (which she does to me frequently, I don't mind, she's the only sister that calls me regularly anymore... but its not like I call them...)
Whatever outlet this is to me, at least it saves the people I love from HAVING to listen to me all the time. This way, if you get bored or pissed off or tired of hearing it you can just... leave. I wonder what the world would be like if we could just navigate away from things that upset, bore, and anger us. I don't know if anyone would be happy, because if you had a problem with a loved one and they didn't want to hear it, they'd never have to.
Ach, I sound exactly like a stoner.
This Christmas was really odd. Josiah came with Patti so everyone was there, which was awesome. I got sick on Christmas eve, so that was lame and made me really grumpy. Unfortunately, the stores were closed so I couldn't get any medicine to make me feel better. It was pretty miserable. Then Steven came and I became un-miserable. We had a boxing day party that turned out pretty damn good. I was busy, which was unfortunate, because I won't get over this cold forever now. Steven and I went down to portland last weekend for a night, so I got play santa for alissa.
So, okay. Still trying to get into this class, but now I have to go to a class tonight that I don't want after another class. And I am at work now. 13 hours on campus? I can do it. I think.

I suppose that at this, the end of the year 2008, it is a time of renewal of convictions and that I should renew my own convictions. However silly it may be to make resolutions at the new year, it is at least an excuse to make them.
I will be kinder.
I will be less irritable.
I will try harder to be pleasant.
I will try harder to be more tidy.
I will hold myself responsible more often.
I will try to better myself daily.
I will be more active in mind and body.

I think this snow is amusing. Everyone in Tacoma and Seattle are freaking out about it (not unduly, either), but we got at least two feet of compacted snow in Olympia and people were out driving around anyway. The roads (even the main ones, which is about 3) were covered in 5 or 6 inches of ice and there were cracks at least that wide going down to the actual road- it was like driving around on the Ice Road in Alaska, but in the springtime when the ice is melting. They even closed the college (which they never do, even if the road to school is literally covered in black ice and no one who lives off campus can get to school). Then I came up to Tacoma, and the side roads were pretty much the same as the side roads in Olympia, but the main roads were clean and not icy at all.
Then again, no one in Olympia knows how to drive. Like at all.

A blizzard. A fucking blizzard. If it gets super windy, I am sleeping on the couch. There's a tree in the back yard that my landlord thinks might fall. And there's a blizzard coming. 90 MPH winds. Nine-zero. I don't think it will be as bad as all that... there hasn't been wind all day and I don't hear any now, but if it picks up later... I don't want to be flattened.
Or stabbed through the belly with a tree branch.
I think I'll be okay.
Steven went to portland this morning and i'm really bummed. The biggest storm in years here and he's gone already. No one to save me when the tree crashes through my roof.
I hope the power doesn't go out, simply because I and my lizard would probably freeze to death.

My backyard looked like Narnia this morning. It was beautiful! It snowed four inches here today, so I didn't go to work. Can you imagine my minivan in the snow? It's a giant, top-heavy, shakey, no AWD mercury villager. I would probably be dead.
So I stayed home and did homework instead. I hope I can get to campus on Friday.
And now there is hooka coals all over my floor, BURNED through the carpet, because I am a clumsy ass hole. Woo hoo.
Nothing else more to say, except now i am embarrassed.

It was supposed to snow. School was supposed to be closed and I was supposed to be sitting at home right now, next to a fire Ben built, inking my little fingers off with a cup of cocoa (a little Irish in it) next to me.
Damn Washington!
Ah, well. I know school wouldn't be closed anyway. They never close campus, even if all the roads in Olympia are covered in black ice and the snow is 3 feet deep. They didn't even close when half the west side flooded! (like really flooded. Closed roads, lakes in parking lots... I almost stranded myself cos I grew up on a hill and never saw a flood before). The guy in charge drives a land rover and if he can get here, so can everybody else. (this is just a theory)
I hope it snows like the billyoes tonight.

I think I need to stop being such a baby. I seriously complain on here like, every time I post. I suppose its better than complaining to someone who, then, HAS to hear it, wether or not they're listening. But, really. Its a bad habit I've had since... well, probably since birth. I also need to be kinder. People just irritate me so much, sometimes. Like Tony. He's christian's cousin and he's at our house alot. He needs to come to Oly every few weeks for reasons I'll not say. And he stays with us for four or five days at a time. Its annoying, but he literally does nothing. He just hangs out and is really innoffensive. Why do I get so annoyed? I have no idea. I was going to have a talk with christian about it, but when I tried to think of what to say all I could come up with is "Tony is here alot. He sits around the house all day NOT getting in my way or making trouble." Like, what the fuck? How can I complain about THAT? Its so selfish! Plus, Tony is really nice. I think I need to get him a present, or something.
And thats not the only person. Like Tristan Dyers lady. I don't know why, but she just rubs me the wrong way. She's nice too. And Makayla. She's actually annoying, but she was the only person who told me when a certain person said shit behind my back that was REALLY mean. I mean, not even Steven did that. But he was probably trying to spare my feelings.
So, thats why I need to stop being a whiny little bitch.

I was thinking the other day about Heather Lewis. She and I used to hang out all the time. I still play the gameboy she and Mark gave me for my birthday. Its saved me on airplanes so many times. Also, we used to watch Ranma together. And hang out with Fly. And stuff. Yeah. I miss you, Heather!

There's all these people I don't talk to anymore, but I think of all the time. Like Jen Hydrick. Heather. Ade. Sue McGrew. Joshie. Justine. It makes me feel bad, like I should have written all these people once a week. I don't know, I barely have time to call my family most of the time.
Anyway, I'll be around for a few days at Christmas and if any of ya'll (even if you aren't on the list) are gonna be around, call me.

Maybe we can chill.

I am such a baby. Seriously. I really am having a hard time functioning. (I am drunk, but thats really not the reason. I got drunk like an hour ago). Steven left for portland two days ago and I am so fucked up by it. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, I didn't want to get drunk, I just want to sleep all day so I don't have to deal with shit while he's gone.
How fucking fucked up is that? Like, what the hell? When did I turn into a simpering idiot? Why can't I function without my man?
Jesus Christ.
Also, my very favorite diner/bar burnt down.
And my new teacher hates my comic and now I want to quit and never make comics again because I pretty much suck ass at it anyway. I might as well get ready for my life working at Ross and wanting to kill myself. (see? I AM drunk)
Fuck. This is shit.

Everyone is sad and lazy, myself included. (a fact that I intend to remedy by purchasing a treadmill, which I fear will be used seriously once or twice, then disgarded into a pile with my sport bras) My friend finally discoverd that you can be open with another person only to have him stomp all over her heart and poo on her face (not literally, as Steven wondered, the asshole). I intend to kick him in the nuts. They're mine now. I was going to punch him in the face, but Steven said my punches were about as effective as a feather and he would do it. It really pisses me off, because she has had so much complete SHIT in her life, and she really needed someone to just love her because she is her and not because they want to get laid. It frustrates me, I think I am the one person in her entire life that just accepts her and loves her (besides my mom. MY mom).
Seriously, I need to hunt this kid down and kick his ass. I will totally poop on his house and egg his car. I also want to feed him epicac. He deserves hours of unrelenting puking to make him really consider what he did. (believe me, I have gone through that. It isn't pleasent. In fact, they should have used it in the inquisition. This kind of torture leaves you exausted and in complete body pain on the floor pleading for god to make it stop)
I am so angered by this kind of thing. How can you say you love someone when you don't? Everybody knows the kind of devistation it leaves. Its in practically every goddamn movie ever. It terrible. Its evil. I hate him.

I worry that I will become my father, or worse, my grandmother. I think I will. The only evidence I have of this is my irrational fear of being left, unexpected fight-picking, and the tendency I have for verbal abuse when drunk. This was brought to my attention when my roommate's cousin was visiting the same weekend Jeremy had his birthday. Had I known I yelled at Steven about EVERYTHING (including things that couldn't possibly be his fault) when I'd drunk myself shitless, I wouldn't have done it.
As a result, I don't get drunk anymore.
Fortunately, I am dating a rock. Nothing gets to this boy. It's good, and terribly bad.
I don't think he knows how frightening this revelation was to me. I became my father. I don't want to say he was abusive, it's hard to say one way or another. And he loves us (now doesn't that sound like an abuse victim in denial!) because I've seen it. I think his anger and unexplained outbursts are the cause of mild bipolar disorder. Sometimes I feel like his clone.
I am my father's only son. The fact that I am a woman is of no consequence. The more I look back on my childhood, the more I realize I've been preened to be like him, perhaps unconsciously. I received endless praise for my artwork, on pieces that even I knew sucked, while my sisters were subject to endless criticism. I was given access to his inner sanctum (the darkroom) when even my mother wasn't. I was 19, and she had once been a professional photographer. Perhaps this is why I was ganged up on by my siblings. I was the favorite, quite clearly now. Although, Sarah's young status grants her things I would like, but are ultimately given to her. Money for college, financial help when she needs it, endless protection from my mother.
Being my father's favorite is not roses, either. I often feel he is trying to live vicariously through me, to make my life what he dreamed of like a pageant mom. A heavy handed "Do you LIKE photography?" and gifts of equipment, even though the answer was suitably neutral. "Yeah, but I don't want to do it." The very fatherly, "You can do anything you want" and the epitome of it all... "You know, computer programming is a career that's booming right now. You could even just go to trade school." What, like YOU Dad?
I desperately do not want to be a recreation of my father's life, even if i have to live in one of those little trailer houses.

Ah, the old livejournal account. Why do I still have you? Oh, yes. For occasions like this when I am bored. And in the Box office. where nothing can penetrate the pentagon. Not light, nor sound, nor human connection. Fig Newton is now healed completely. His lump was nothing more than scarring. Stupid dog. I hate it. Steven has two rats now, both my doing. I figured he needed practice caring for something dependant on him before he got a dog. (He had a kitty as a kid, but I assure you, he never had to feed it.) Its funny, because he loves loves his little ratties. And finally, after 3 months, Baby Rat has a real name- Cookie. Because of Black and White cookies in NY. Meimei and she still do not get along.
My friend Whitney is still in the hospital. Hopefully by now her skull is back in her head. Unfortunatly, my teach just joined her- and no one knows why or where. I hope he recovers soon. He's been there for a couple weeks.
Not only that he's hospitalized, now I have to find a new contract sponsor, who will not know nearly as much about comics as Jim. He's the man. So, I am getting a downgrade. Depressing.
I feel I am wasting my time. Jeezuz. Who wants to hire a comic book writer in a recession?

If any of you really love me, you'll follow me here:
http://figsservant.blogspot.com/
This is less Emo and more art/carreer-life related.
Love,
T
PS I will probably still post here, you know, more cat stuff.